Friday, July 19, 2013
George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin. Yes, this is what I'm writing about. My new husband has posted his own blog about how he really feels nothing about the situation...because our country doesn't REALLY want to talk about race. I have to say I agree with him on that point. The only difference is, I'm feeling so many emotions about this whole thing.
What do I tell my future child? Odds are he/she will be a lovely shade of brown. Unfortunately, that also means some people will find my child scary. Especially if I have a son.
Our country does have a race problem. Is it improving? Yes. I believe if you spend any time with little kids today, you'll see that skin color doesn't mean a darn thing to them.
That doesn't mean that RIGHT NOW we don't still have a problem. Since I've been with my husband, I've witnessed it.
I'm petite, blond, and white. The two times in my life I've been pulled over by a cop, they've simply stated why they pulled me over "You're headlights aren't on.", told me to be more careful, and sent me on my way. I've never had to even show my ID.
The two times Husband, who is tall and black, has been pulled over with me in the car, (in the last two years only) he gets a flashlight in his face, "License, Registration, Do you have any warrants?" (WTF? Instantly assumed he may have a criminal past) And yes, one time it was for a headlight that was out...that's it.
So yes, we have a problem. And I was more like George Zimmerman until I fell in love with Husband and his family. I was always afraid when I saw any man on the street whose skin was darker than mine. The darker, the scarier. Even though intellectually, I knew that was silly...that is how our society has taught us to be. I wasn't even aware of it until I started making eye contact and saying "hello" to more men as they passed me by, regardless of their shade of brown.
It hit me one day "OMG you've stereotyping based on skin!" I have felt shame for this. I don't blame myself though. I can only strive to be better.
(Now, I'm not an idiot...I still pay attention to a man's body language and my surroundings.)
So back to my original question; What do I say to my child? How do I explain this without making them hate how they look? How do I explain this so they aren't afraid. Or do I say nothing at all? Do I just let Husband handle it when the time comes?
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
OK, so on to the topic of this post.
Like most people, my healthy lifestyle moves with the ebbs and flows of my schedule. Right now I'm hitting another fitness peak; working out twice a week with personal trainers (thanks to my employer), running twice a week (after a frustrating hip flexor injury), counting those calories.
Use THIS formula will you? Stop relying on automated apps, online calculators, heart rate monitors, etc. Every single one has over estimated my calorie needs by 200 a day! That can end up adding a pound to my butt every two weeks!
Anyway, I pulled out an old journal that I used to record my measurements when I first started my healthier lifestyle. I noticed an interesting, yet not surprising trend...my weight and size changed as the stresses in my life changed.
Waist 30.25 inches
Life event-Newlywed for 10 months. AKA happy, comfortable and "he loves me no matter what." Also, "What the hell has happened to you?" asks lil sis. For perspective I was 108lbs on my wedding day.
Waist 27.5 inches
Life event-Oh CRAP I"m going to be 30 in two years... I better do something about it now. Low carb and workout DVD's enter my life.
For the next year and a half I plateau. 107 felt pretty good after 117 and I wasn't counting calories.
Waist 28.25 inches
Life event-New career. Company called Sugar. Food everywhere, as is standard in Silicon Valley tech.
Waist 25.25 inches
Life event-Failing marriage. This weight loss was 100% stress related. I wasn't working out, or eating, or sleeping for that matter. I drank wine more than I ate and when I did eat, health was the last thing on my mind.
Waist 26.75 inches
Life event-Taking control. One month away from my own place. Eating well again but working out is not on the priority list. Packing and keeping my job are.
Waist 24 inches
Life event-It's All About Me. One year on my own, control freakish about my diet and working out 6 days a week. This is a few pounds too far the other direction. Deep down I wasn't truly happy but it was better than being in a miserable marriage.
Life event- New Love/New Job. Yep, almost a year into a new love, volunteering, and a high stress position at work and I'm ten pounds above my lowest weight (about 6lbs above what I think of as my healthy weight). Less time for me, more excuses to eat and drink and cuddle instead of workout and count my calories.
Today I am really happy. I've found a way to balance my healthy lifestyle with my happy life. I have to give a lot of credit to Kenny (see handsome man in pic above) for all of his support. It helps a lot being with someone who also is fit and prefers fresh food. Most importantly, he is happy if I am happy. Counting calories? He gets that that is what I need to do to maintain my weight. Staying at work an hour longer twice a week? Of course that's fine...it means he has girlfriend without a muffin top...and that sometimes I'll miss his softball games. Passing on that glass of wine some nights? He gets that too...he can have his. I don't need mine. I work hard, I make choices.
This doesn't just happen. Nothing worthwhile in life just happens. Life gets in the way...a lot. So you do it again. That's what this is all about. You just ride the ebbs and flows and stay calm.
Today my waistline says...life is pretty awesome.
Friday, May 18, 2012
I mean I'm still all those things in that last post but I'm also more...
I so want to share it all! I can't, not yet. A certain legal status needs to change before I feel safe enough to do so.
A few things though...full time as an EA and pretty much rocking it. Love it most days. My company is exploding and it's so exciting. What job crisis?
I'm a Christian now. Hahahaha. Crazy right? Found a cool church. Real people.
I've attempted salsa dancing. Fun, but I'm definitely not a natural.
Started teaching at my old high school band program again. Love.
Spent some time in San Diego. Beautiful!
I have Phoenix, New Orleans, NYC, and Maui in my future...
I'm finally in a position to save for retirement AND a new car.
and maybe, just maybe some old dreams will become a possibility again.
Friday, April 22, 2011
trying to balance wanting to push
I'm all these things...THAT is who I am.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
I'm getting paid OT to sit around and make sure the office is secure and hard working people are well fed and comfortable. I'm eating for free. I'm wearing the most comfortable clothes I own. I have a job. I work for a company and with a group of people that has taken care of me, helped me grow, and puts its arm around my shoulder during the toughest two years of my life.
I am really happy right now. This moment. Nothing that has happened matters in this moment.
A little bored, yes. I little jacked up from my Go Girl, yes. Doesn't matter.
I've been reading this little book called "The Happiness Makeover" by M. J. Ryan and it is a gem. It doesn't say it will change your life or make you rich or anything like that. It just gives you common sense tips on how to be happier. It's working...and really I feel silly that I didn't already know these things. Many things in life are learned and this is something I had to learn. It's going to take practice to make being happy a part of who I am but I know I can do it.
Things are going great for the company I work with so that makes me happy. I've never experienced this and it is fun to watch and be a part of.
I am finally going to be doing a job I really have been wanting to do. What I know, what I'm good at. Two more weeks and I can show myself and everyone else what I'm made of. It's exciting. It's what I know how to do, but in a completely different environment. One that will challenge me. It's a little scary but you know what? I am just going to push the worries aside because they will just bog me down and suck away this amazing feeling I have. I know I can do this. I know it. Being able to say that? Amazing.
So, I am going to sit here for as long as they need me because that is what I like to do. Help people. Be there. Be dependable. Smile (maybe between yawns at this point).
Saturday, March 19, 2011
and here is mom and I after the race with our MEDALS haha.
I didn't try to be Supergirl and run the whole thing...I just did what my body told me...I'd walk briefly here and there, mom would catch up then pass me, I'd do the same...and I think in the long run I had a better time because of it. My goal was to stay under 40 minutes and we finished in 38:50! I got 78th place overall out of 452 5K runners and 26th place for females my age out of 113. I think it's pretty awesome. I only know how to come in last or almost last...so every time I passed anybody it blew my mind a little bit.
I have to give major props to my mom. She is 58 years old and really didn't get to train as much as I did and she hung right in there with me. She placed 5th for her age group. Yay Mom!
Big thanks to my sister for being so supportive and paying my registration. She ran the 10K and placed 38th in her age group...running around 57 minutes.
I'm considering doing another one soon because we had so much fun...there's that word again...fun.
So I've officially checked off one of my goals for 2011. Of course, now I've added a new one...I want to focus on strength training more and get Jillian Micheal's like abs. Should be a breeze right?
Vegas is next...that is assuming the government doesn't rape me so bad with my income taxes I have to get a second job for the next few months.
Run, it's fun.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Today I got up and ran for over two miles non stop. I still have my apartment, I pay my own bills, Tully is happy, I have new friends, I have amazing health, I have money in the bank, I have less debt, I have a race to run, Vegas to conquer, and I can most definitely eat and breathe on my own.
I'm still not divorced. Actually going through with it is going to be really hard. Letting go is hard especially once you've forgiven someone. Especially when you still consider them a dear friend. Letting go is hard when your old friends are still on the other path of marriage and children. I know I have to let go though...it's holding this new stronger me back. I will wrap up the last 12 years in a pretty little box and store it away in a safe place in my heart...but I have to stop looking at it.
I'm still plagued with self doubt, though not as much. I still get insecure. I still need pats on the back and compliments and reminders that I have accomplished something. I still have lots of questions. What do I do now? Go it alone or with somebody? When you can suddenly do anything, it's overwhelming. I'll figure it out at some point I'm sure. For now, I'm just trying to enjoy life as much as possible. I'm enjoying my new found confidence, strength and freedom.
I'll never forget that evening a year ago, standing in my box filled living room with my mom, totally lost.
Mom-"Are you hungry?"
Me-"Yeah, we could order a pizza I guess...but wait...has He eaten?" (He, being the husband that drove away a couple hours before)
See? I didn't even know how to think about a meal without worrying about him.
To celebrate, I think I'll order a pizza, just the way I like it.