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Monday, January 24, 2011

Three

Week three, session three, three minutes.

I can jog for three minutes without stopping to walk. THREE

When that realization hit me this evening as I did my cool down walk it was the most overwhelming feeling I've had in a long time. The sun was almost set, I'm in a neighborhood where nobody knows me (except maybe as the lady with the wiener dog), and I just achieved something I never thought I would. I can run. (Run sounds better doesn't it?)

I have cerebral palsy. Most people don't know. Most people probably can't tell. I'm one of the lucky ones. I have one of the more rare types. I have mixed CP, meaning two forms. Luckily they are both pretty mild and I've learned to manage them. I have the spastic form (tight muscle group) that effects the muscles of my right calf. I can't lift my toes very high off the ground and if the muscles get really tight I can't plant my heel flat when standing. (Try to imagine your foot stuck in a one to two inch slightly spongy heel.) I also have the Ataxia form which effects balance and coordination. This one isn't so bad...but anyone that knows me and spent any length of time with me has probably seen me lose my balance for apparently no reason. I just look like a klutz pretty much.

When one leg doesn't quite work like the other AND you are a bit unsteady, doing coordinated rhythmic tasks as a child wasn't very fun. Everything just took so much longer for me to do. I've always hated running because I couldn't (still can't quite do it now) get my heel planted so I was all jerky looking...like when a runner pulls something and run limp run limps to the finish line. I always lied and said my leg hurt....and then avoided running whenever possible.

I'm doing this 5K with my mom and my sister mainly to prove to Mom that she didn't break me. I was born 10 weeks early and she blames herself. I want her to forgive herself. 32 years later and I still see the guilt in her eyes whenever something physical frustrates me.

When I got back to my apartment, I had to call her. I cried and she thought something bad had happened. "No Mom, I'm happy."
"You are happy because you are crying?" she asks.
"No mom, I'm crying because I'm happy."
"What's going on?"
"Mom, I can JOG for 3 MINUTES! and at the very end of the jog I went ahead and RAN just because I COULD. I'm okay Mom I'm not broken okay? I just had to put enough time into it."

No need to discuss week two. That's the past. That is completed. Week three is done. On to week four.

I can run.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

It's 3 in the Morning...girl



"watcha gonna do? Do you wanna fight..." oh, oh sorry. I'm not used to being wide awake at 3 am on a Saturday with a hangover from a blue margarita. The moment I saw it was blue I knew I was in trouble but I chugged it down anyway. At least I didn't throw up the accompanying sushi.
The good news? If I ever want to get completely hammered and I only have $8, all I have to do is take a short walk to the sushi place nearby.Notice, I've only finished half at this point and we've eaten most of the sushi. Pic by little sis---->


Sadly, I'm not awake because I was up all night having fun. Dinner was early, 5:30p, the drink had me wasted by 6:30pm and I crawled in bed at 8pm when the room started spinning. Tully jumped on me to cuddle and I almost thought I was going to have a date with my toilet. So I guess it's ok I'm up at 3am...6-7 hours of sleep is acceptable...except I'm going dancing tonight...oops.

Normally when I wake up I force myself to stay in bed...but then I started thinking about all the crap that had me a little down before the blue margarita (Big thanks to my sis for having dinner with me! Love you.). Work, people hating on my successes, dumb guys. The funny thing is, I have a week's worth of stuff to blog about and now here I am suffering from insomnia, rambling on, listening to what iTunes Genius considers Trance music from my play list. "Get Down" from Paul Johnson is on right now...you know that song that just says the word "down" over and over? Yeah, apparently this is trance...


Poor Tully, he thinks it's morning. I'm going to have to get him to go back to sleep somehow and do the morning routine again in a few hours. "The Launch" DJ Jean, this is more like it....5,4,3,2,1 guess I'll try to go back to bed. Week 3 run to do at all...




Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Not so hard/The hardest part

Training for a 5K isn't so hard. Relationships are.

Couch to 5K week two training has begun and when session one was over I felt less challenged than the first week. It could be because I was on a treadmill. It could be the two minute rests between the 90 second runs. Maybe it was both. Maybe I'm in better shape than I thought. Regardless, I'm on the path to doing something new, something that I've always despised (running), and I am focused and prepared to do it.

Treadmills scare the crap out of me. It seems like the machine is in control and the person is not. I started out slow on both my walk and jog and by the end I was a full mph faster on each. I didn't fall or stumble. It felt great. I saw a very focused person in the mirror (weird who is THAT?). Fear challenged. Fear no more.

Relationships don't (or didn't) scare the crap out of me. Whether it be a working relationship, a friendship, or a love relationship, I've never really been scared of them. Nervous, tentative, insecure, yes. Never afraid. I can't exactly say that now.

They are unpredictable because people are. We are all on an individual journey and then we meet that one person we want to share our journey with and the next thing you know you are on a completely different highway going somewhere you've never even thought of. Love relationships tend to do this to people. Love is intoxicating and can be all consuming.

With everything I've learned in the last year (yes, it's almost been a whole year) it just hit me yesterday (after dinner with Guy Who Was My Whole Life) that the hardest part of a relationship is staying that person you were when your paths crossed. THAT person is who they fall in love with. THAT person is who they want to spend time with. Why in the world do people instantly start making changes in order to make sure the relationship will work?

I did it. His interests became mine. His desires became mine (even if they really weren't). I couldn't even decide what to eat without knowing what he was in the mood for. He changed too but only he can really figure out why.

I had this realization while we were having dinner recently. Not only am I physically back where I was at 19, I'm also ME again. Bubbly, energetic, happy, focused. He seems to be finding the old him too. The new old versions of us sat there and laughed and had a good evening. It reminded me why we fell in love in the first place.

Anyway, relationships are hard. If I can pass one piece of advice to anyone reading this it's this; Don't let the relationship be the treadmill. Whatever you do, control your path and pace. Don't stop being YOU. If the relationship can't work unless you change, then it probably isn't the right one.

Training for a 5K isn't that hard. So right now, I'm going to do that.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Internet, Kissing, Accounting, Running

So I was going to be all "with it" and actually take my laptop out to my living room and put it on my LAP but then I accidentally jiggled the cords connected to my modem and the lights went out and my Internet was GONE.

So I spent the last 3 minutes not touching anything willing all the green lights to come back to me. They did. I will survive this Friday night...because you are all my date for tonight.

My stuff is old. My laptop is a Dell from 2003. I've done everything I can to juice it up and it works OK... it's just not going to be able to keep up with technology much longer. Darn thing even has a USB powered external fan on the bottom because it tends to overheat. Hence, I avoid the lap part of laptop. I figured since it's almost freezing outside (and inside) it could handle a trip to my living room. Nope. Almost lost my Internet. My stomach is still recovering from the jolt of stress hormones.

This week was strange. In some ways it was so great. In others, it was really tough. Work was a beast this week and I am drained in a way I haven't been in a while. I need to take an accounting class. I need to come up with a plan on how to do that. Work would have been much easier if I didn't feel like I was listening to a foreign language all week. My brain literally ached like an out of shape muscle.

I did however find out that I earned a higher bonus that expected helping out another team in my department. Yay!

My evening loneliness attacks have resurfaced and for half the week I felt like a crazy person that had to have someone to talk to or I would fall apart. I have resisted the urge to post on FB "Someone come over and hang out with me." almost every day this week. Just because someone is your Facebook friend doesn't necessarily mean you want them to know where your apartment is. My brain was all scrambled there and my sis straightened me out. Loneliness can do that. Thank goodness for her. Some things still linger but, I'm cool. (sort of, not really)

I have done two of my three Week One Couch to 5K training sessions. Session two I had to do over my lunch hour at work. It was weird running midday in a new place where my path took me around the office building I work in. "Please don't let me face plant by the building!" I didn't. The run was tougher. My legs wanted to cramp. I think it's because it was not my usual time of day. Maybe I wasn't hydrated right...maybe I hadn't eaten enough before hand. I don't know. I did it and that's what matters.

Session 3 is going to have to wait until tomorrow. I'm fine with that...I like my run around here and I can do it in the morning like I am used to.


Dating

Yeah haven't done that yet but I'm considering it now (see loneliness). I'm taking a guy friend to my company holiday party next week so that should be fun.

We were chatting earlier in the week and he's basically scared me away from well, kissing.

Did you know if you kiss a guy on the dance floor and go home with him you are a slut but if you don't you are a tease? I mean really...what kind of rule is that? That's lose lose. Whatever happened to kissing someone because there is chemistry and then the guy gets your number and asks you out on a date? Oh but then a bunch of guys expect sex after even the first date now. Ummmm...I mean...I have no words. I have sooo much to learn. I've never really been in the game and when I was...the guys were still boys. So much scarier now eew.

I'm not sure how accurate any of this is...it's one guy's opinion. We are good friends and I did feel like he was warning me....which I appreciate. Disappointing though if it really is true. Anticipation and mystery can be so intoxicating.

Oh and...

Read a bit...Stephen King's new one, Full Dark, No Stars. So far, definitely dark. I'll let you know when I finish what I thought.

Happy Friday.

Monday, January 3, 2011

The Time in Between the Moments

Like the new look? I like black. It's clean, it's simple, you can wear it whenever. Apparently, you can't wear all black or you get called goth or a ninja or people ask who died, but whatever. Eh, new year new blog. I just wasn't feeling the trees (I still love you trees!).

Anyway...

You know those times...the times in between the moments of your life? I guess you'd have to know what I mean by moments first. You know, the times that pop, good or bad. When something is HAPPENING. For example, going out and drinking too much but having a blast or finding out something great happened at work or, learning something new about yourself. Those moments that make an impression, that push you to grow and to change. So the other times...in between the moments....

I'm not liking those times right now. I go from well, take today for example. I went from feeling amazing because I did my first training for the 5K in March to sitting on my couch wondering what I should be doing, please please someone text me or DM me or IM me or something. My ears are perfectly tuned to hear that chirp of "Hey someone is thinking about you right now and wants your attention YAY!!" I want that distraction, I need the distraction. Mostly I need the acknowledgement. Why? Why do I need it? These are THE TIMES.

Self assured, confident, know themselves people don't, do they? Do you? The only thing I can figure is my brain, my being, is still adjusting to not having that constant someone. 10 months vs. 11 years...yeah, probably still adjusting. Here's the kicker...I just gave my mom this big speech yesterday how I'm realizing people are flawed and marriage is old fashioned but a nice idea. You know, maybe we should all just stop expecting so much from relationships...at least for so long. I believe this now, I do. Yet, I still want someone...it's very confusing. Like, a someone that's there most of the time but not all of the time that my whole life does not revolve around. I don't even know if this makes sense.

Why do we need the marriage, why? Something happens to your brain people. I try to explain this to those around me who want it. They ask, why does it change? What happens? I don't know it just does. It's gotta be some chemical biological something or other. I loved that feeling, I did. Of course I would love it again but when you lose that it's....like losing a limb or something. So why do that to myself again? I could have all the good stuff without whatever jacked up thing happens to your brain with the whole wedding and marriage thing.

Don't give me that "You'll find love again blah blah..."1 in 2 marriages. One in two. Would you eat something if you had a 50/50 chance of puking your guts out for a week? I think not. Love, I could find that again for sure...I'm not talking about that. FYI-getting divorced is hard. So just like food it's easy to eat but really painful to get rid of if things go south (or north in this case).

Mom's response to all this: I mean really all you need is a sperm donor and then date who you want so you can have a baby AND like the guy you are with.

Ha! Can you tell she wants grand kids?

So I sit there in these moments thinking about what I should do with my life and when will I feel like I know what I want to do etc etc driving myself nuts. Making myself sad. Why? Ugh.

Can someone please text me right now? It's been over an hour people. Oh and then...I beat myself up for initiating some conversation. "Oh, you are being needy or annoying, stop."

I am ridiculous.

I blame the holiday TV break. Not enough mindless pop culture to keep me occupied. Books don't always help, since you are using your brain, you know. I need my shows! I need a cuddle. I need to get a grip ha!

Any tips would be appreciated. How do I deal with the times in between? You are highly encouraged to text, email, IM, DM, or Facebook Chat me. Or call. That works too.

Couch to 5K
I started training for a 5K today! Today was week 1 with the Couch to 5 K podcast and I'm supposed to do this session 3 times. It wasn't too hard! I had to do a 5 min walk warm up/cool down with seven 60 second runs followed by 90 second rests. If I was old out of shape eew me, it probably would have sucked. I felt amazing! Me, little non athletic, cerebral palsied, hates to run Me felt amazing. I even let out a "Woo!" when the last twenty seconds of the final run came because I knew I could do more. I survived the stupid porcupine balls, squirrels, cyclists, yard tools across the sidewalk, puddles, toddlers on trikes...I never fell on my face woo! Every time I passed a person I wanted to say "Haaaaay look at me, I'm training for a RACE." Yeah, that's right I'm one of those people now, those people I used to despise and think were nuts. Ha so fun. So weird. Me, that is.

Missing from My Last Post

  • I mean really, I forgot to list First Gay Bar. How could I forget...oh wait because I don't remember the whole night. So fun.
  • Also I need to get to know Cali better. I've lived here my whole life and there are so many places I still have not seen and things I haven't done. So that's on the 2011 list.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2010: A Year of Firsts

Happy New Year! Can I just say I am GLAD 2010 is over? It was really rough. I'm not saying it didn't have it's moments (boy did it have it's moments) but in general I'm just glad I get a symbolic fresh start.

Before I talk about what lies ahead, I need to take a minute and remember what this last year has been. 2010 was me growing up. 2010 was me finding me again. I kinda like me. I need some work still...but there's an awesome chick in there....I can feel her.

Believe it or not, at 31, I had my very first apartment. There is something liberating about realizing you can take care of everything on your own. That I can PAY for everything on my own. I remember thinking, "What am I going to do if I can't open a jar?" I grab the little rubber gripper I got in my gift pack from the leasing office when I moved in. I have been able to open everything so far, go figure. I fixed the vacuum by myself...because I had to. I kid you not I skipped around my living room when I got that new belt on all by myself. I did. With a big grin on my face too. My apartment is mine, my sanctuary...simple as it is...it's mine.

There were quite a few months in the middle of the year where I didn't do much. I was kind of in a daze. I was surviving in my little cocoon of routine and solitude (are those words? ha). Then I snapped out of it...thanks to a mix of my own anger, love and patience from family, and a big kick of persistence from friends (You know who you are. THANK YOU)

A lot of firsts have happened in the last few months. From something as superficial as actually feeling good in a bikini to something as life altering as deciding to stop waiting for him and move on with my life. Oh...yeah, that's a big first for me. I haven't had many relationships...4 actually (and that's being generous) and I've always been the one being dumped. Well, this time I did the dumping. It's not any easier than getting dumped and you feel like crap everyday about it.

Let's see...I gave a guy my number for the first time in 12 years. Scary but great for my ego at that moment. First concert in San Francisco. First Halloween costume party. First time doing tequila shots. Silly but hey it's a first right? First Elf Party in the city. First time in my life I can do 10 real push ups in a row. Planned and executed my first company event at work (hated it and glad I'm not doing anymore lol). Oh gosh! First Happy Hours! First time getting drunk at lunch (oh dear, these are just getting worse haha!) while on the clock. God, reading this list it really does seem like I skipped being a teenager. (I sucked at being a teenager) Um, yeah I got asked out by a married man, eew. First. Hopefully the last. First tattoo. I did it. I LOVE it. Didn't hurt that bad and I think it's kinda sexy. First time being in a restaurant when the power went out. First time going to a movie by myself. Not awesome but not horrible. First time going jogging with my sister. First time in my life I purposely go jog. First burger at the Counter. First visit to a used bookstore ( I know I know! for a book nerd this is really sad). First pair of red pumps.
I'm sure there are others...and I know there will be more.

I've already signed up for a 5K in March. I am going to Vegas. I don't know when or how but I am going there while I still look young enough to get a free drink. I am only moving forward. I am going to read more. I want to cut my debt in half, be more assertive at work and...gasp! date?! (a girl's got needs you know...it's been WAY too long)(and yeah this girl is way more vocal about that on here than she is in real life). Take more risks...like do something totally out of character (except karaoke, never ever!). That sounds fun. Anyway, yeah, good start. Since I'm hungry and it will be a first I'm going to go have pizza for dinner even though I also had it for lunch. ; p.

Goodbye 2010, hello 2011. To new beginnings, taking risks, and finding my light.